Sep 2

Sep 2 Non-Violent Communication: An Education For All In 2020

By Nikita Mehta

Judith Hanson Lasater tells a similar story but I am going to tell you this one; A man is walking down a beach that is crowded with starfish. All of the starfish have washed onto the sand and are slowly drying out. The man slowly walks at the edge of the ebbing waves, picking up on starfish at a time and tossing it gently back into the ocean. He passes another man who looks at him and says; “There are thousands of starfish on the beach, you can’t save them all, it doesn’t matter;” to which, the man, crouching down to scoop up another starfish and throwing it back into the ocean says; “It does to that one.”

This is how I view Non-violent Communication (NVC). There are thousands of conversations that are held in our general sphere each day. Thousands of cold calls that we field in our lifetime. Thousands of interactions that we have with unknown persons. We can’t manage everyone else’s styles of speaking, or how people are spoken to in other interactions. We can, however, make a difference in the conversations that we have with others. And in those individual conversations, how we speak DOES matter. (Book: What we say Matters: Practicing Non-Violent Communication. -Judith Hanson Lasater)

Enter Marshall Rosenberg, an American psychologist who, in the 1960’s, developed the idea of NVC. While Marshall is no longer here to teach us about how to be clear and kind in our interactions, we have access to another incredible resource. Judith Hanson Lasater, a leader in the yoga community, is a physical therapist and has a Ph.d. In East-West Psychology. She helped to found the California Yoga Teacher’s Association, and just so happens to be experienced in the realm of NVC.

Last month, in collaboration with Yoga Flow SF, Judith held a virtual NVC seminar geared towards yoga teachers and those in the mindfulness community. SF Yoga Magazine was lucky enough to be a part of the seminar and to sit down with Judith after the fact. Read on for a few nuggets of wisdom and stay till the end for information on how to attend the next lecture series.

What was your introduction to NVC and how did you know that this would be something that you would teach?

I attended a two day workshop with someone who convinced me to go. I love how I felt when Marshall spoke, but for the two days I could not figure out what he was doing. I went on to study 8 more times with him.

One of the most poignant things for us was the statement, “the job of the yoga teacher is to mirror back the inherent wisdom and inner goodness of the student.” How is NVC integral to this process and how do we as teachers go about doing this?

When new teachers begin teaching, they often believe that teaching yoga is all about the grander of information. It took me a long time to realize that who I was when teaching was actually more important that only giving information. I like to think that as we become more compassionate and aware as human beings and teachers, we not only teach yoga, but we begin to become the yoga. Then when we find and trust our own wisdom, with humility and not with ego, we can become our authentic selves and that can be felt. Teaching that comes from our authentic being touched people.

Just to get people excited, can you give us an example of a simple NVC statement?

We tend to say things like: “It’s hot in here.” Then our companion can say: “No, it’s not.” Then we can begin to argue about whether it is true or not and we are off to the races, not solving the issue. To say, “it’s hot in here,” is what I call a pseudo fact: it sounds true but, within normal bounds, it is an expression of opinion. There is a very different outcome when one states, “it is hotter in here than I would like.” No one can argue with you feeling hot. When approached this way, a true negotiation can begin about how to deal with the temperature.

You mention the Duck Index in your book and in the seminar. What is the Duck Index and why should we think in terms of 6 or above?

The “Duck Index” is a little scale I created based on something Marshall said. He advised us to be slow to do things that did not give us the joy of a three year old feeding pieces of stale bread to a hungry duck. If we do things out of obligation or fear for example, there will likely be a reside of resentment in us. Probably we will take out that resentment on ourselves or on others. I developed the Duck Index as a 1 to 10 scale that I could use inside myself to get in touch with how much I really wanted to do something. If I felt a 6 or a over when asked to do something, I would likely say “yes”. If not, I would consider communicating with the other person to see if there were other strategies that we could choose so we could both get our needs met. Think about this: do you enjoy it when someone’s gives you a gift with the gruff attitude or ‘here’s your present’?; or do you enjoy it when they hand it to you with both hands and with obvious enjoyment? When I agree to do something because it also contributes to my happiness, it is the best gift I can give those around me.

You also make a distinction between strategy and need. You told us that a Mercedes is a strategy, but a mode of transportation is a need. Can you makes that distinction a little more clear?

“Needs” as the term is used in NVC are defined as universal human needs. Examples are: food, love, safety, fun, play….the list is quite long. Sometimes we confuse needs with strategies. For example, we want to show someone we love them so we choose the strategy of giving them a gift. But that may not be the way that person experiences love. Maybe they want to be touched as a way to have their need for love met. It is very important to recognize the difference. Another example is that all humans have a need for food. But different cultures have developed cuisines to meet that need. Some cultures eat things we would never consider food, snails come to mind! The food is the need and the cuisine is the strategy.

We are all spending a lot more time at home with our loved ones, why is it important for us to all employ NVC in our conversations and to keep a list of “feelings” around as a guide?

Knowing what you are feeling is the key to understanding what you are really needing in any situation. That helps alll communication because you can begin to understand what you really need and then begin to ask for it. I am guessing you would enjoy having close relationships with people who honestly and kindly told you what they really wanted from you instead of you trying to guess all the time.

Judith thank you for educating us on how we can speak with kindness, compassion and grace. We look forward to the next time we can learn from you!

You can join Judith and Yoga Flow SF for the next series: Difficult Conversations: Using Non-Violent Conversations in Our Relationships.